The Actual Very Worst Date of Mine, Seriously, I Swear

Before we get started, I want to remind you of a few things. If you've been reading along, you've seen a sample or two of the horrible dates I've been on. If you're new, you should know that when the date is catching on fire, I'm often the type of person to hang in, just to see what happens next. I'm fascinated by social train wrecks, and sometimes I really can't look away. The story I'm about to tell you is actually, literally the worst date I've ever had. This is coming from a girl who was screamed at in a Chili's by a guy who couldn't handle his coupon being expired. A girl who escaped a horribly scarring, emotionally tumultuous, highly abusive relationship, who is fairly skilled at picking up on red flags (even if I don't always see them until I meet someone face to face). A girl who has been stalked, harassed, embarrassed, and honestly worn out. Bottom line: I have seen the murky depths, and crusty, awful, jagged bottom of the dating cesspool, and I have lived to tell about it.
It has taken me nearly a year to write this, no matter how hard I have tried. I've even gone out of my way to only tell a few people about it, because even as it happened, I knew I wanted this to be my masterpiece. There is no other first date experience that has even come close. After a thousand attempts at putting it into words, I have accepted that this will not be the magnum opus I crave to create, and I apologize if it seems a bit scattered. Honestly, to explain everything, to capture it all and spit it out in a manner befitting of that strange evening would take up chapters. And so, all I can do is hope against hope you find this tale as genuinely batshit as I do.
Please, please understand and remember that all of the stories I tell are true. The only details I change in any given post are the names of people, and sometimes establishments. I say this to drive home the fact that this person actually exists out in the world, and we even had a mutual friend. He is out there. Right now. He is an actual, literal human being who actually, literally, make no mistake, says and does the things I will be describing. I only find what happened to me to be funny because it was, overall, ludicrously bad. This doesn't mean I condone any of it, and it definitely wasn't funny at the time, some of it I'll never actually find funny. The people I met that night are still my friends. I have witnesses, damnit. Witnesses.
Oh, and even though I usually don't say it, feel free to send me messages and emails! I love when you interact with me! (Contact form is under my picture over there -->)

Enjoy.


August of 2017 was set up to be rough. At the very end of July, I'd been recently dumped, and I was grieving heavily the loss of a woman I'd loved as a second mother. In fact, I'd just been to her funeral, and the day after her service was the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's deaths. By the first of the month, I was not doing so great, and I'm sure I was in no real state of mind to be meeting strangers, but I decided it would be better than moping around and isolating myself entirely. While I do believe we are more likely to attract people who are miserable for us while we are miserable ourselves, I also tend to ignore my own advice roughly 78% of the time, so I reactivated my Tinder account. On August 2nd, I matched with Aaron because he had pretty pictures. That's it. That's the only reason I was interested. Sometimes, it's just nice to go out and be pretty with someone for a drink or two, then carry on with my life. That was my only plan.
Aaron and I had one mutual friend, and when I saw who the friend was, I figured Aaron must be a pretty normal guy. Maybe a club going, party type, but overall probably a good person. In fact, I have so much respect for our mutual friend that I didn't even reach out to him to see if going out with Aaron was a good idea. We exchanged numbers, and texted a little bit throughout the day. He wasn't being particularly forward, nowhere near disrespectful, but he did seem a little...high, maybe? It was a lot like talking to someone who was stoned out of their mind. The conversation looped occasionally, and he seemed to forget questions he asked me even though all he had to do was scroll up on his own screen. Odd and mildly irritating, sure, but not threatening or otherwise alarming. He asked if I would like to go out the next night.
The evening of August 3, 2017, five days after saying my final goodbyes to my second mom, four days after the one year anniversary of one of my best friend's deaths, and one week after being dumped for being chronically ill (he didn't think he could handle it long term), I was straightening my hair in the bathroom, blaring Queen, and forcing myself to be cheery. Every now and then, my phone would buzz with the sounds of Aaron asking repeat questions. Originally, we were going to go to dinner together, but his shoot was running long (he was a model), and dinner plans turned into karaoke plans. I can't say I was very excited by the time I left my house, but I had grown curious. The texts had gotten even more strange. He told me about his siblings in a way that made it pretty clear they were deceased, and when I said I was sorry to hear about his siblings, he rapid fire texted in reply.

"Who told you about my family?? How the fuck do you know about it?

Seriously, are you trying to Google my family?

Don't look me up. Don't look them up."

That was the beginning of the end, really. I told him I hadn't heard anything, that I just assumed by what he said, that he had lost some family members. I told him I was sorry, I didn't mean to pry, and that I had lost my brother, too. I didn't even know his last name to look up his family if I wanted.

"I'll tell you about it if I want to, not if you're up my ass about it."

Honestly, when I look back, I know that was the moment I should have cancelled and deleted his number. We didn't know each other, and he was being both rude and a bit sketchy. Obviously, I didn't do that. I instead assumed whatever the wound was had to be incredibly deep, if not fresh, and everyone has sore spots. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Hey Anger, meet my friend, Compassion, right?
When it came time to leave, I wasn't very enthusiastic, but I was trying to shake off the uncomfortable vibe I'd gotten. Aaron had sent me an address, which I entered into my GPS, and I was on my way. Only about ten minutes into my drive, despite it being 8:30pm on a Thursday, I hit one of the worst traffic jams I've been stuck in to this day. I couldn't even get to the next exit to take back roads, and I spent an hour going a total of three miles. I kept updating Aaron, who was now waiting on me at a bar that was already half an hour away when there was no traffic, but there was no telling how long it would take me to get there. Eventually I managed to break free, but my date had decided to bar hop. He sent me a new address, which was about ten miles further. It led me to an apartment complex, where I immediately turned my car around, ready to head home if this had been intentional. When I called him, he was somewhere loud, and kept saying he would come meet me in the parking lot, but I had to tell him several times I was at a complex, not a bar. He then offered to meet me at a nearby gas station so I could follow him to whatever bar he was talking about. Fine. I then told him what I was driving so he could find me. After only a minute or two, his SUV came squealing into the parking space next to mine. He rolled down his window, and told me to hop in.
"No thanks, I like to drive myself."
He told me I was being difficult, but to follow him. It was obvious he was either already intoxicated, a terrible driver, or both. He hit two curbs before double parking at some dive down the street.
When he emerged from his vehicle, he wasn't quite what I expected. He actually looked a good bit like Ronnie Ortiz-Margo, from Jersey Shore. On the shorter side, stocky, very Jersey Shore style clothing. He was attractive, but he wasn't built like any male model I'd ever met or seen. It struck me as odd, but then I remembered he also said he did some personal training. Maybe he was doing a shoot for that gym? I shrugged it off, and really didn't think about it again. He gave me a small, loose hug, nothing uncomfortable or inappropriate, and we walked inside. They didn't have karaoke.

"I thought you said this place had karaoke."
He seemed irritated. "They do! I've been here before!"
"...weren't you in here like five minutes ago?"
"Nah, I was at a different place. But I could swear they had karaoke here. You want to play pool?"
"Sure."

We walked up to the bar to order drinks, and were told they had servers in the pool room. I reacted like a regular person, smiled and apologized for not knowing the protocol, and started walking toward the pool tables. Aaron reacted as if the bartender had insulted him, and kept muttering about how the service is always terrible. Our server, Amy, arrived promptly. She was sweet and cheery, a bit on the thicker side, and she was a beautiful woman. We briefly chatted while Aaron was setting up our game. When he finished, he came over, ordered a double shot of tequila, then pointed at me and guessed "vodka?.....cranberry?"
I looked to Amy. "Whiskey and ginger, please."
It really only took about five minutes to get our drinks, but my date was acting as if it had been hours. He made several comments about how slow everyone was, and after Amy delivered our order, he was quite rude to her.
"It's about time."
I looked at her apologetically. He laughed as she walked away, so I asked him was was funny.
"What a fuckin' cow, right? Fat bitch." A bright red flag.
"I think she's pretty."
"Nah."
He then turned that into a series of compliments toward me, comparing us both loudly until I asked him to stop, which he did immediately. It was then that we started trying to get to know each other, but mostly he would ramble on about things he hated. Like his ex, who was, by his account, a genuinely bad person. She was the mother of one or both of his children (it was unclear to me, and I was too afraid to ask for clarification). Also, he had told me the day before he didn't have kids, but now he was a single father of two. This ex-hating red flag was even more red and even more flaggy than the last. On and on, through what seemed to be his entire life story, which he felt very comfortable sharing, the common thread was just how much anger he had toward nearly every woman in his life. This concerned me greatly, and my concern grew when we finally reached the topic of his mother. She, as he put it, was a slut for whom he has no respect. This was, of course, the reddest, flaggiest, flashing neon sign-flag that there is. No coming back. A quick side note for any straight woman reading this: MEN WILL TREAT YOU THE WAY THEY TREAT THEIR MOTHERS. IF HE SPEAKS LOWLY OF HER, HE WILL SPEAK LOWLY OF YOU. REMEMBER THIS FOREVER.
I had known for about fifteen minutes (since that bizzarre drive over from the gas station) that I wouldn't be going out with him again, but by this point I was both fascinated by his erratic behavior, and morbidly curious about what he'd say next. I noticed he kept looking over my shoulder, and into the main bar area, as if he recognized someone, becoming visibly agitated.
"Someone you know in there?"
"No, I just hate when people fucking look at me. People stare at me everywhere I go."
"Why do they do that? You famous?" I chuckled.
"No." He barked it at me, so I dropped it.
He told me the tragic story of losing a brother and sister, but the way he told it made it sound like he blamed his mom for what happened. I won't go into it, because that's not actually my story to tell, just know that the blame wasn't rational. This was a disturbed person, and he reminded me a whole lot of other angry, drunk men. He ordered another shot of tequila. I continued nursing my drink. This time, when Amy delivered his glass, he barked at her for taking too long, and asked how how she even has a job.
"AARON! Don't be like that. Amy, I apologize."
She walked off quickly, before having to be involved in the conversation.
"Dude! That was mean. Don't be mean to her."
"Was that rude?"
"YES."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'll go apologize to--"
"No, just...just don't say anything else to her. I'm revoking your ordering privileges." I made sure to smile slightly, scrunching my face as I scolded.
Normally, I wouldn't try to "cute" my way through this type of situation, but he struck me as highly volatile, and peace keeping is an instinct I have from my own past with highly volatile drinkers. He listened to my direction because he was interested, and I figured I could keep everyone calm if I played along for long enough to finish the pool game, down my drink, say my goodbyes, and politely leave. Not for his sake, because I have no problem calling people out, but for mine. I had begun to question how safe I actually was. It had only been about half an hour, and he'd already managed to check off my list of warning signs like it was his personal mission. He agreed not say anything to Amy anymore, telling me I could not only order everything myself, but I could also fill out the tip portion of the receipt, and he would pay it. That seemed to be a decent deal. The next time she came to our table, I informed her that he wasn't allowed to speak to her anymore. She pointed at his glass and raised a brow, while he gave a thumbs up and smiled. It was good enough for me. I had still hardly made a dent in my whiskey, though, and my incredibly charming date was already several shots in, not counting what he must have had before meeting up with me.
Aaron wandered off to the bathroom, and I flagged Amy down to explain what was going on. I told her that I didn't actually know this guy, it was a first date, a really awful one, and I was honestly as put off as she was. She was relieved, and said she would make sure the bartender kept an eye out for me, if he started acting up.
Upon his return, we continued talking. Sort of. It was basically him continuing to tell me horrifyingly revealing things about himself and his mental state. We briefly chatted about what I did for a living. At the time, I was writing research articles for small business blogs. It was hardly exciting work, but it paid enough in the moment. Aaron seemed impressed. Frowning, he explained to me that most women he meets aren't that smart. Then he called me a nerd every other sentence for about five minutes. It was then that I remembered our mutual friend, Joseph, a nerd like me, and decided to ask how they knew each other.
"Oh. Him. Uh, we used to work together."
"Ah, cool. Doing what?"
He chuckled a little. "It was a while ago. He's changed since then. We worked in the entertainment industry." Joseph was a DJ and a promoter, so I naturally assumed that was the entertainment Aaron was referring to.
"Did you promote with him?"
"Not exactly. It was more....adult than that."
I think I choked on an ice cube. "Excuse me?"
He was laughing again, but harder. "Okay, okay. I used to be a dancer."
"What?! Really?! What about Joseph?"
"You can ask him if you want. He'll tell you."
I got my phone, and began texting with Joseph. I said I was out with one of his friends, and that I heard they used to work together. When I said who I was with, my friend said he knew him, and that he hopes I have fun, but then he wouldn't answer anything else. It was almost as if he didn't want to answer my questions about whether or not Aaron was as insane as he seemed. Hm. Suspicious.

Right about that time, a few guys walked in, and two made a beeline for our table. Apparently, they had been at whatever bar Aaron had been in before meeting up with me. They were friendly, and I really did like them. They were fun, kind, and they happened to be gay, so I wasn't concerned about being hit on. They were also both southern and mega sassy, which happens to be one of my favorite combinations in anybody. One of their friends challenged Aaron to a game of pool, and after checking with me (the only polite thing he did besides opening the door for me), they walked off to a pool table a little further away. It actually worked out pretty well, considering I had wanted to be away from him. This is also where our stories sort of split for a while. I made a joke that I would be his cheerleader, but really didn't pay much attention to their game. He came over now and again to flirt with me for a minute, or update me on who was winning, but mostly he stayed with his buddy, continuing to down tequila. Todd and Mark, my new pals, began their interrogation. Well, mostly Todd.
"So. Friend of Aaron?"
"Sort of. I just met him."
"Do you like him?"
"Too early to say." I was lying through my teeth.
"You're lying through your teeth, girl. It's okay, I don't know him that well, I won't say anything."
"Oh...well, thanks, I guess."
"I have to say, I really didn't think you were his type." He looked to Mark, and they shared a smile.
Mark chimed in, "I mean, don't get us wrong, honey, you're cute and all, but...well....Oh, you tell her."
"Tell me what?" I asked. They just kept smiling. "Guys. Just tell me what's going on."
It was then that Todd told me to finish up my drink. He was gonna buy my next one, because I was going to need it. For reasons I can't quite explain, I followed his instructions. My gut was telling me to stick with these dudes, and my gut was also telling me I was about to get some serious gossip.

"Okay," Todd looked around, then leaned in over the table, lowering his voice "you didn't hear it from me, but I heard Aaron's had a relationship for quite a while now. Someone much older. Someone with a lot more money." He looked me up and down, "No offense."
I was so surprised. "None taken. So you're telling me he has a sugar momma?"
They both cackled. "Oh, honey. Goodness, honey, no. Not a momma."
"Wait, what are you saying?"
There was a long pause.
"We're saying we're surprised to see him out with a woman. You are a woman, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am" I was now understanding what they were on about. "Wow...so I guess he's bi?" I asked.
"I never thought so until tonight, but yeah, maybe."

Now, a person's sexuality is none of my business, and I don't actually mind dating bisexual men, but this sugar daddy business was a bit much. Apparently, Aaron had been out and about with the older gentleman just days before, referring to him as his boyfriend. Todd had seen them together earlier in the week, as had everyone in their little group. They all frequent the same bars and clubs.

"What are we talking about over here?" Aaron appeared suddenly, placing his hat on my head.
"Music." Todd said quickly, "Did you know your girl is quite the oldies buff?"
"Nice. No, I didn't."
He asked if I was okay to hang out with my new friends a while, because things were getting heated over in the pool department. Some double or nothing nonsense. Of course, I was. Todd, Mark, and I continued chatting, cracking each other up, and getting on well. Every now and again, we'd hear Aaron and his opponent trash talking each other, and sometimes it would shock us enough to stop to shake our heads before returning to our own civilized conversation. At one point, we even thought we heard a rape joke being bandied about, which was way uncool, to say the very least. I had already been there about an hour (which was longer than I'd planned on staying, but I liked these guys), and I had just mentioned to Mark I was thinking of heading home when Aaron came storming back over to the table, slamming his shot glass down, and putting on his jacket.
"Well, I'm getting kicked out."
"Really? Why?"
"Stupid bitch over there complained about me. I guess you can't curse in a fucking bar."
We were all confused.
"They're throwing you out for cursing? What actually happened? Who did you curse at?"
It was then that the manager, a woman (unfortunately, because this guy clearly hates women), came up and told him it was time to pay his tab and go. He began to raise his voice at her, and I stepped in, stupidly between them, placing a hand on his chest.
"Hey, hey. It's okay, no need to make it worse than it is. Just chill out for a second."
Irritated, he did briefly listen, turning his attention to digging through his wallet before trying to get under the manager's skin by muttering about how ridiculous this whole thing was.
"Can't curse in a bar...makes no sense.."
"You know you can't use that word." she said flatly.
He hissed back, "It's just a word! People drink in here! They're gonna cuss!"
"Not the way you used it. It wasn't just a word."
They began screaming back and forth, Aaron getting more heated, with most of his argument being that he hadn't said anything wrong, and that nobody can take a joke.
I jumped in, trying to understand the situation"I'm sorry, but what word?"
Aaron looked away, but the manager didn't. "Rape."
"Wait what?" I asked. "This is for saying rape?"
"It's not for 'saying' rape, it's for threatening rape."
"WHAT?!" I grabbed Aaron by the arm "Who did you threaten?! Did you threaten someone!?"
He didn't answer me, but I looked around, frantically. Over by the table he was playing on were two women, one sobbing into her friend's arms. It turns out that rape joke wasn't a joke at all, and it wasn't directed at his pal, who'd disappeared already. I was horrified. Disgusted. Mortified. Livid. I was burning up with rage and embarrassment.
"Your boyfriend has three minutes to pay and get out, or I'm calling the cops."

Aaron paid his tab, stiffed the waitress, and wandered into the main bar area, getting in an argument with the bartender, who jumped over bar at him. While they were wrestling out the door, the manager was calling the police, and I went to the girls in the corner.
"Hi, I'm sorry, you don't know me--"
"Don't you have to go get your boyfriend?"
"Him? No, he's not my boyfriend. He's not even a friend. I don't know him. I'm on a Tinder date."
Both of them softened, and let me continue. I wanted to say that I was so sorry. I let them know he was kicked out now, and nobody should have to feel the way they were feeling. "If you want or need anything, I'll be here for just a little while longer, but it's on me."
They accepted this, understood I didn't want to be associated with that monster, and let me buy them each a beer. They came over to our table, which was by the window. We all wanted to watch the scene Aaron was making outside, and be sure he was leaving. At this point, several of us had several reasons to feel unsafe. He now had his shirt off, screaming at the night sky, alone. Very Marlon Brando. He did manage to peel out of the parking lot before police arrived, and we all agreed to hope he didn't hurt anyone on his way home.
While all of this was happening, Amy had been busy defending Todd, Mark, and myself. The other patrons were concerned and angry about the way my date had behaved, as word was travelling through the building quickly. They were wondering why we weren't all thrown out. She was making sure they knew it was a bad first date, and telling the story of waiting on him. She had also let her manager know none of us were really associated. One by one, other customers came up to express their condolences, offer protection if he came back, and one man even bought a round of shots for the lot of us (I didn't take mine). Even so, I was still so freaked out. The night only lasted a little less than two hours, most of it being spent with other people, and had been absolutely wild. It was just before midnight, and I knew I was going to head straight to my favorite bar, around the corner from my house, to sit and process everything that had happened. Even now, only I know just how much I've left out, but I'm trying not to write an entire book.
The girls left, and it was back to just being me and the boys. We couldn't stop talking about how crazy everything had gotten. He and the manager had been screaming over my head when I was in between them, glasses had been knocked over, he'd thrown a chair, things got nuts. Out of curiosity, we asked Amy for a copy of Aaron's receipt. We wanted to know how much he'd had to drink in his two hours, and I took a picture as a memento. As I tried to get the lighting right, I remembered something.
"Hey, Todd. Is he actually a personal trainer?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Oh."
"I'm guessing he left out what he actually does for a living. Smart. I would."
"The dancing thing? No, he told me about that. Made it sound past tense."
They were cackling again. I had to ask. "Do I even want to know? I don't even think I can get surprised at this point."
Mark smoothed my hair, "I know, it's been a rough night for you." He looked to Todd, "Maybe we should just tell her later."
Todd disagreed, and turned to me. "Don't you know where he was today?"
"He said he was at work."
"What did he say he was doing?"
"He said he had a photo shoot. He doesn't really seem like a model type, though,"
Todd shrugged. "He's kind of a model, sure."
I caught on. "So, what, it's nude or something? Oh God, is it porn?"
They looked at each other, then at me, and nodded.
"Oh, great," I said. "That's one for the books."
I couldn't help but notice their sudden lack of eye contact, as if there was more to tell me, but they were holding back. I had been standing with my purse, ready to walk out for most of this exchange, but now I sat back down. I readied myself.
"Guys." They looked at me. "Guys, just tell me. It's not like I'm ever going to talk to him again."
They each took a deep breath. Mark said a strange name, and asked if I had ever heard that name before. I hadn't. He then handed me his phone, and told me to Google the name followed by "videos," but told me not to click any of them. I searched, I saw, I gave Mark his phone back. None of us spoke for a few minutes. Eventually, I had to break the silence.
"So. He...does gay porn, then."
"Yeah, he's actually pretty well known."
"Y'know, I jokingly asked him earlier if he was famous, and he got pretty mad."
So many things suddenly made so much more sense. Mark again smoothed my hair, frizzed with August humidity, and probably stress. "Let's walk you out, girl."
Todd offered his arm, which I took. We all exchanged numbers, and I headed back north to my house.
I don't think I had quite processed the evening until a week or two later. I did get a text the next day from Aaron that read "Hey, things got a little crazy last night. I had a really great time with you :)"  Although I never responded, I still can't help but wonder what he found enjoyable about our time together. I forwarded it immediately to Todd and Mark, and we all shared a laugh. I contacted that mutual friend, Joseph, after a few days to tell him a little bit about it. He wasn't shocked, but he did feel bad that he didn't get to warn me before we went out. They aren't close. He also verified all the gossip I'd been told. And that was it. The worst first date I've ever been on. Sometimes, I almost forget about it, until something specific reminds me. A perfect example occurred nearly five months later, the day after Christmas, like a present. A random friend had posted an article about how a gay porn actor and his studio or agency or whatever, had gotten themselves in a legal bind over a film. The porn film had been quite offensive to a large group of people. Yes, pornography had crossed the line. Porn. But it was Aaron's picture, right there, front and center.

I don't really know how to wrap this up in a neat little bow, and it still feels a little surreal. Dating is the pits, man. However, no matter how nervous you may be about dating, you can at least rest easy in the knowledge that it would be very unlikely for you to also end up going out with an egotistical, misogynistic, tequila pounding, loud, gay porn star who managed to make porn that was too offensive, who doesn't tip, and gets violently thrown out of a bar for threatening to rape a woman simply because she was in the way of his pool shot. But if you do, make sure you take a picture of the tab so we can compare drunks.

xoxo

A Date with Murphy's Law

When I met Ricky, it was at a coffee shop in the middle of a bright and bustling little town. We were reading books by the same author, and happened to lock eyes from across the patio. He came to sit with me, and we hit it off. It was exhilarating. Having just gotten out of a horrible relationship which was still in that back and forth stage, I hadn't given much thought to any man but my ex/not ex/ex/not ex/ex. I still had another two weeks before I could even move out of his house, so I definitely wasn't searching for a date, but on that patio, I was charmed. He was smart, good looking, and he had me cracking up. Before he left, he asked if he could take me out that weekend, and I was beside myself. The man had a way of asking questions that truly excited me, and it had been so long since I felt that sort of connection. The entire scene played out like something from a cheesy romantic comedy.

For the next few days, I kept him a secret, even when several of my girlfriends started asking if I'd met someone. Apparently, lighting up and smiling while texting somebody wasn't normal behavior for me. So I fibbed a little, and said it was just a guy from back home in Atlanta. Partly because I didn't want to jinx anything, and partly because I didn't want the headache of word spreading around in such a small town. Ricky felt like the personification of fate. A prince charming sent to me in order to save me from myself, and the pattern of sabotage I'd been engaging in for the previous couple years. To say I was elated would be an understatement, and not because I wanted to rush into some relationship. Far from it, actually. I was just so ready to get out there and start my life again, so ready to escape my awful ex boyfriend, and going out on an actual date with a person I was genuinely interested in seemed to be a wonderful start. However, as I have witnessed time and time again, I am not allowed to have nice things for long. I did begin to worry about what might ruin it, or what might happen if the people I lived with found out, but was able to set my fear aside and remain super stoked. When Saturday finally came, I was up early. The whole day was spent making sure I was relaxed and ready for the big night. I went to get my hair done, had a mani-pedi, my legs waxed (don't judge me, shaving is the worst), even bought new shoes. I was singing, feeling good, and I was ready to be as charming as humanly possible.

We were supposed to meet at 7pm for a drink, and then go out for dinner. It was 6:45 when I stepped out of my car, setting off some cosmic chain of events that would ensure the evening would be anything but smooth. It all started in--no--WITH a flash. I had parked on the street, about a block away from the cocktail spot. While walking to the meter, the wind caught the front of my adorable sundress, ripping it away from me, nearly up to my face. A homeless man a few yards away saw everything. It was embarrassing, sure, but it didn't shake me too much. I laughed and apologized. Then I went to actually pay the meter, which isn't the coin receptacle type in front of your individual parking spot. These meters downtown are set up differently, and on any given block, there are two to four places to pay for any and all parking spaces. You insert payment, receive your stub, and display that in your car. Not complicated in the least, but sometimes a pain when you're in a rush, having to walk back and forth from car to meter, to car, back past meter to wherever you're going, etc. Anyway, I stumbled a bit, tipping my purse and its entire contents all over the sidewalk, in front of the same human who just saw my underwear in broad daylight. I ended up crouched down, holding my dress, trying to recover my possessions, trying not to flash everyone ever, with a nice (but homeless) person helping to pick up all of my dropped belongings. Have you ever had someone holding your wallet, and looking inside of it while asking if you have any money on you? It was a first for me. It's hard enough for me to say no, or to limit what I give out to people who ask, and usually those people have no idea what the inside of my purse looks like. Imagine it. So much pressure. Eventually, everything important was gathered. I paid the meter, thanked the man, handed over my entire change purse, and went to put the ticket on my dash. There, I thought, you got all of your awkward out before you even went on the date. Good job. I had to again pass the meter, as well as the man, on my way to the bar.

"Can I get a dollar?"
"Seriously? I just gave you all my change. It's all parking quarters. That's like eight bucks, dude."
"You got paper, though."

I gave him a few paper dollars. I have no resolve.

I kept walking, certain the worst was behind me, but when I turned a corner, the heel of my brand new shoe got stuck in a grate. Shit. I tried to pull my foot free, to no avail. Shit, shit, shit. Taking my foot out of the shoe, I once again had to lower myself near the ground in my inappropriately flowing, short dress; this time, half barefoot. In what I can only describe as "of course it was" this thing was unbelievably stuck. In fact, it was taking so long to remove from its steel cage that several kind people stopped to try and help me. It was not a shining moment, and just as I was putting my newly scuffed shoe back on, I saw Ricky crossing the intersection. Yes, he had seen me yanking my footwear from the sewer. Yes, he did find it hilarious. However, when he hugged me hello and told me I looked cute, I felt much better. This is going to be a great evening, I thought. And for the shortest amount of time, it was. Up until we sat down for our drinks.

For reasons I didn't immediately understand, Ricky began to act supremely uneasy. He was fumbling over his words, he was pronouncing my name all wrong (I would correct him four or five times over the next few hours), and even seemed to be sweating. He was trying his best to hold a conversation, but kept apologizing for being so nervous. Usually, I'm pretty good for putting people at ease, so I did my best to help. I pretended not to notice how uncomfortable he was acting, and just continued on, cracking a few jokes, hoping that would pull him out of it. We finished our pre-dinner cocktails, and strolled over to the restaurant he'd chosen. On the way there, we were arm in arm, and he began to calm down. As somebody who struggles with panic disorder, seeing someone so anxious really tugs at me. He apologized again, and I admitted to him about my panic attacks. This seemed to help, and the walk was lovely.
Unfortunately, once we were seated at a table, we were faced with brand new challenges. He began to fidget with the silverware, dropping it on the floor. He needed two replacements by the time the appetizer came, and another two throughout the meal, because as soon as he would start getting comfortable enough to discuss anything, he'd gesticulate wildly, and something would go flying as a result. We were sharing our food, so sauce from the mussels we'd ordered would occasionally get splattered onto my arm, and he'd freak out apologizing. Then there was the issue of the tablecloth which needed swift adjusting. The motion knocked my full wine glass into my lap, soaking most of my body. He was horrified.
"Oh! Oh my God! I am so sorry. I have no idea what's even happening! I'm never like this!"

I kept telling him it was all right, and letting these accidents roll off even though I was starting to die a little inside. Throughout dinner, the energy would fluctuate without any notice whatsoever, making it hard for either one of us to really enjoy ourselves. It was impossible to navigate. No matter what we tried, one of us would end up saying or doing something to kill the discussion. The conversation was so strained, it was hardly a conversation at all. If this happened with somebody else, we both would have been rolling laughing at ourselves, and it might have gone really well for going so badly. I can recall one such date from high school, and that guy would end up being a great friend to me for the next twelve years. But not Ricky. While I found the entire thing funny, he was stone faced. I wanted him to joke with me, instead of assuming I was laughing at him, but it just wasn't working. By the time the waiter asked us if we wanted dessert, we looked at each other and sighed.
 
"At this point, it might make us feel better..." he suggested. We decided to split a piece of chocolate cake.

As we mourned aloud the date we were still on, we were finally connecting. For a few minutes, everything was flowing as it had when we met, and we were able to find humor in the time we were having. Wow, are we really about to turn this thing around? Is this going to be the greatest comeback of all time? But just as I began to feel hope, I also felt a familiar tickle in my throat. An itching. My stomach dropped; I began to silently panic. I realized Ricky was staring at me as if I had three heads.

"Are you okay? Your neck--Your chest! You're turning really red. Are you allergic to shell fish?"
"No? I don't know? It'd be new. This is so weird, I'm really only allergic to coffee..."

We both stared down at the empty plate between us, simultaneously drawing the same conclusion. It was a Wonder Twins moment for sure. He frantically flagged down the waiter, and asked about the cake. Turns out, there was an unadvertised layer of mocha creme, as well as a fair amount of coffee in the batter. And just for the record, for something mocha, that coffee flavor was imperceptible. My date even backed me up. No big deal, I told myself, you keep Benadryl in your purse. I explained how this sometimes happens, and how I always keep medicine on me, but as I rooted around in my bag, it was nowhere to be found. The purse dumping fiasco replayed in my head, and it occurred to me I was out of luck.
I ran the three blocks in new (scuffed) heels to the drugstore, where there was naturally a shortage of stock, and the only medicine left was the children's liquid. Bubblegum flavor, I think. I chugged a good portion of the bottle before suddenly remembering I had to go back and meet Ricky. The urgency of my situation had clouded my judgement, and I had blindly agreed to this as I was getting up from the table. He said he was going to pay, and then make his way to the store to make sure I was all right. I began to head his direction, but never ran into him along the way. Weird, maybe he left. I carried on, making it all the way back to find him still sitting at our table, with a worried look on his face.
When I walked in, the waiter broke the news that my date's card had been declined. All of his cards had been declined, and he rattled off a few possible reasons why. I didn't mind picking up the tab, though. It was just one more mishap, given how hard he had insisted on paying in the first place.

I believed we were finally done. We were walking out, about to go our separate ways, when just outside the restaurant, this tree-tall man took a sudden and terrifying tumble, failing to catch himself with anything but his face. I may have even yelped a bit, seeing him dive into the sidewalk like that. He jumped up to his feet quickly, with wide eyes and twenty "I'm fine's" to my twenty "are you sure's." It was clear he wanted to pretend it hadn't happened, despite starting to bleed. We briefly discussed who was parked where, along with which routes to take, since we'd roamed a few blocks from our original meeting point. As it turns out, I'd have to walk right by his car on the way to mine, so he asked to walk with me. It wasn't as pleasant as our previous stroll, as we tried to wrap our heads around everything that had occurred, and with me trying to beat the clock on my way to a diphenhydramine coma. We were nearly silent, afraid to open our mouths and say another stupid thing. He broke the quiet briefly.

"I met you in a coffee shop."
"Yes."
He frowned. "Unbelievable"
"Sorry?"
"I met you, and you were in a coffee shop. How would I know you were allergic to coffee?"
"You wouldn't."
"But why would you be there? You could die."
I shrugged. "I drink tea. Coffee shops usually have tea."
"Oh. Well, yeah..."

We were both staring far ahead. We were giving up. At least it's over now. I'll get some good sleep. And so, we just walked. Him, covered in sweat from conversational exhaustion, as well as his own blood from his battle with the concrete, and me completely covered in pinot noir from the tablecloth debacle. Also, did I mention that my dress was light grey? Because it was a very light grey, nearly white, and I never was able to salvage it. I had been drenched in dark red splotches. I'm sure we appeared insane together, and it definitely didn't help matters when Ricky suddenly started to yell, sprinting off to his car. Of course, I didn't know it was his car, or what he was yelling about. All I knew was that a bleeding, upset, sweaty man was running away from me while screaming, and from a distance I probably appeared to be covered in blood. Seemed like a true disaster. After the evening we'd had, it seemed about right.

"No. Fuck. No, no, no! HOLY SHIT NO! COME ON!"
"What's wrong?" I tried to tag along at first, but let him go on ahead, to whatever he was running toward.
He didn't answer me. He just kept screaming until he had to sit down on the sidewalk for a break. Putting his head in his hands, sighing loudly, he looked to be a nearly broken man. This night had already taken much out of him, and now his car had been booted. I offered to call him a cab, but then remembered the issue of payment. I certainly didn't have time to wait with him and pay. This was before Uber. I would have to take a cab myself if I tried. Benadryl and I don't get along.
"Come on," I said. "Let me drive you home." We trudged along, eventually getting in my car. Turn by turn, he fed me directions while apologizing profusely.

When we finally arrived at his house, I was running out of time. We hadn't talked much on the way. Although he had made a lot of, well, interesting statements during our evening together, none were more awkward than when we were sitting in his driveway. He grabbed my hand out of nowhere. He looked directly at me. His face was still bleeding a bit, and almost-tears had begun to form in the corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry everything was so terrible. I was so excited to get to know you." I nodded, but his energy began to feel severe, and I was getting uncomfortable. He went on. "So.. what I'm trying to say....what I really want to know is...well...We aren't going to work out, right?" I just sort of stared, because I wasn't sure where he was going with it, but I was still listening. I gave him another nod. "Right," he said, "we aren't going to work out. We had a terrible time, and I spilled wine on you, and I fucked up everything, and you had to pay and drive me...and I don't think I want to go out with you again. I mean, I don't want to go through this again. Do you want to come inside, though? Do you want to have a drink and stay over with me? I mean, you're already here. We can't make things much worse and if we're not going to see each other again..."

For a few seconds, all I could do was blink rapidly. What I wanted to say was "Oh, no thank you. I really need to get going." but what actually left my mouth was thirty seconds of a downright Julia Roberts-esque "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA" followed by a breathless "No! Absolutely not! Please get out so I can leave!"

"It was worth a shot" he smiled.
"Was it?" I crinkled my face.
We half hugged, and I left.

Every time I think of that night, I try to derive some sort of meaning from it. I'm forever searching for a moral in all strange happenings, but honestly, I'm just glad I made it home before the drugs really kicked in. That could have been a DUI! Worse, that could have been an accident, and given everything else that happened in the hours before, I am shocked that it wasn't. I kick myself about it occasionally. I knew and know better, and I'm lucky to have awakened the next day, unscathed. So, I guess if I had to create a moral, or if I had to sum up some advice in a nice little bow, it might go something like this:

If you're allergic to coffee, make sure to ask for an ingredients list before consuming any chocolate cake while on a date, because if you don't, you could possibly end up having to drink a bottle of diphenhydramine while your date's car is being booted, leading you to unnecessarily risk your life and the lives of other people on the road, just to drive him home, where you'll end up turning down what one could only reasonably assume, given the theme of the evening, would be terrible sex. Also, don't do that driving thing if/when this happens to you. Just call a cab.

xoxo