How to Lose a Guy Friend (In 11 Years)

I'm going to cut to the chase real quick on this one, everybody. The advice train is barreling through here at rapid speed today, so here it is. Ready?
If you want to lose a long time friend of whatever sex you're attracted to, go ahead and sleep with them.

Yeah, that's right. Your old pal, Lea, isn't a stranger to making that rookie mistake. Now let me be a little more clear, because this doesn't apply to all friendships. It's true that sometimes people can have those types of arrangements and be just fine. Sometimes, it's a classic case of one thing leading to another, and everyone agrees it was no big deal. I do believe it's the type of friendship you have before the sex that determines whether or not smashing is the single most absurd, unnecessary, and ultimately heartbreaking decision to make. For instance, if your friendship is very surface level, and you aren't particularly attached, or particularly attracted, or maybe you guys just party a lot, then you could probably get away with laughing off a drunken night spent with a buddy. Depending on your level of comfort, getting over it could take minutes to months to years, but you recover just fine. Maybe your other friends even find it a funny story later. Maybe it becomes a running joke among your inner circle. Maybe you end up marrying his best friend. Maybe at the wedding, someone makes a slurred, inappropriate allusion into a microphone, in front of God and everybody, to the time you screwed the best man. Maybe that turns into a running gag, and the hilarity of you banging whatever that guy's name is becomes the friendly ghost that forever haunts you and your family. Who's to say?
However, if the friendship you have with someone is a close one, look out. Especially if you're both attracted to each other, and a common trend when you go out is that nobody understands why on Earth you two aren't dating. Double especially if they're one of your very closest friends, and they often tell you how much they love you. Triple especially with super duper bonus points if in public,  when inevitably asked how long you've been dating, despite the fact that you are not actually dating, he likes to proudly throw out how many years you've known each other. If that's the case, DON'T FUCKING DO IT. YOU SAID NO FOR TEN YEARS FOR A REASON, YOU STUPID, STUPID BITCH.

Ahem. I apologize. That was harsh. What I meant to say is, if you have the sort of friendship that looks a lot like a romantic relationship to everyone else, and you spent years refusing to sleep with them (whatever the reason), then the best way to make sure it goes down in flames is to start sleeping together. Just don't do it. It's a trap. Even if he looks like Matthew McConaughey and treated you like a princess for a decade, that shit will shut down. I promise you.
Of course, you could be one of the lucky ones. One of the people who ends up all happily ever after with this type of friend. If you're one of those, then good job. You landed the big one, and we're all very happy for you. Now get out of here. This post is for the slightly bitter. We'll call you in for the next one, but this class is full.

Anyway, what happened to me did hurt, but I've recently come to grips with mourning the loss of a person who's very much still alive. We were friends for years. We met outside of a shopping mall. As it turned out, he was there to dump a girlfriend who had cheated on him. I didn't find out about the girlfriend until a few weeks after we'd exchanged numbers, but I forgave it. We went on our first date, which turned out to be both humiliating and hilarious, but maybe a story for a different day. From there, we decided not to continue dating. If I remember correctly, it was due to me making up with my on again/off again high school sweetheart, from my first high school, but this friend actually attended the one I was transferring to, and we were inseparable once I arrived. We went everywhere together. If you saw one of us, you saw the other, and teachers just assumed we were attached at the hip. He skipped class, so did I; he wrecked his truck, I was in it. On it went that way, for years (thankfully with only one wreck). Our friendship grew, and I loved him dearly. He moved away for college, and I moved around the state a few times, but we always kept in touch. He had relationships, and so did I. We were supportive of one another, and I knew I could always count on him to be there for me. I always knew he'd visit, and I always knew he'd care. He'd been there for several major life events, and I had no reason to really believe that would ever change. We had proven over and over again that we would not forget one another.

I've been through a fair amount of rough times, but if I ever for any reason needed any saving, I always knew who to call. Most young women would first call a brother, her father, or her boyfriend, but I almost always called my friend. He saved me a million times, from various disasters, with various solutions. One even involved a casino in Biloxi. It was quite an experience, and a memory I cherish. I'll always be grateful for all of those times. For years, he defended me, he challenged me, he laughed with me, cried with me, taught me, loved me, and he spoiled me rotten. He's single handedly responsible for my mild princess complex, and never denies it.
However, when one of the most important aspects of friendship is honesty, and another is respect, it gets frustrating when you feel you aren't getting those things anymore. Resentment begins to set in like a cancer, making the maintenance of the relationship, and the repairs of minor damage from general wear and tear more and more difficult. It started as soon as the sex did. It was just a bad idea, but I had no reason to believe so. For years before, we would talk about our feelings, and it would sound as if we were going to move forward. We'd weigh the pros and cons of being together, and on several occasions actually decide to follow through with being together, briefly considering ourselves a couple. As you can imagine, it was pretty easy to let my guard down and sleep with my own boyfriend. Unfortunately, each time we "dated" he would end up getting scared after a few days or weeks, and running away. It was infuriating, as I'd watched him easily commit to other relationships over the years, even when he wasn't that into them. I couldn't understand. If we both really had the same feelings for each other, like we always said we did, then why the constant hesitation? It wasn't coming from me. He'd always tell me he was just too afraid to lose me, but if that was the case, he was doing a piss poor job at making me want to stick around. I would be upset for a while, eventually forgive him, and we'd make up. Everything would be fine, and we'd be friends, until I would let my guard down and it would happen all over again. It quickly turned into a vicious cycle. I'm not saying I didn't say and do my fair share of stupid things, all told, but I am saying I guess I viewed it differently. For him, it was more "we're such good friends, why are you so mad? You're just as much a part of this as I am! You can't be angry at something we've both done!" But for me, that wasn't true. I didn't feel we had done the same things. Worse, I didn't feel he even wanted to understand how he'd hurt me. He literally didn't want to hear it. He had shut down. Personally, I was beginning to feel like a place holder. Someone he would be with in between girlfriends, or as a rebound, and I felt disgusting. I couldn't handle it anymore, and eventually I told him I couldn't. With all of my feelings, I couldn't be all right anymore if this was what was going to happen. I told him I truly appreciated everything he has ever done for me, and I truly do, but I couldn't participate and be a good friend. My emotions were clouding everything, and I had to wish him well. He'd made my dating life hell for years, and I knew that as long as he was giving me an inch of hope, I wouldn't be able to get over him. I'd been living the same heartache over and over again for years, and it was getting worse every time. It had eclipsed our friendship, and all I could do was hope that the eclipse was temporary.

Over the course of the next year, I made several attempts to reach out and bury the hatchet. We'd make plans and not follow through with them. I'd never hear from him until I again reached out after a few more months had passed. It was painful. With the rapid decline in my health over the last few months in particular, I decided I had to try again. The truth is, I've never gone through anything quite as tough as what I've been going through, without my old friend. It was so hard to imagine making it through to the other side of this mess without his support. We talked, and I expressed this through a billion tears while hardly breathing, but he listened. That Friday, I saw him for the first time in over a year, and it did not go as planned. At all. His sister was actually going to have a baby within the next day or two (nobody had even told me she was pregnant), so his parents came to visit. They're great, it was just unexpected, and I was already holding on through waves of panic. It was a personal disaster for me. I also definitely wasn't prepared to meet his girlfriend, whom I had been previously assured wouldn't be joining us. Especially when our falling out had to do more with failed romance than anything. All I actually wanted was to spend a few hours catching up with a person I felt I needed in my life. I only wanted to spend some one on one time that didn't involve entertaining others, meeting any strangers, answering uncomfortable questions, or getting in a fight with each other. My anxiety was through the roof, when I'd only wanted to escape it for the evening. When I left his house that night, I knew we were changed forever.
It's been a while now, and a few weeks ago, it occurred to me I was all done. I never received an update on the baby, or even a picture, despite asking my friend for such things, and despite knowing the family for years. In fact, my old friend has not thought to check on me or even answer a message once since I last saw him. But you know what? I'm not angry. I think I'm sort of liberated. And while I did lose someone close, I do have to remind myself that he lost me, too, through his own words and actions. Like I said, it did hurt. I will never say it's been an easy place to get to, but I have now accepted his absence. For the first time in nearly twelve years, I don't actually want him to be around. I no longer trust him or his heart, and as far as I'm concerned, his actions have shown me that he just isn't the same. Maybe I'm not the same, either. Actually, I know I'm not. The reason I'm writing this isn't to bash anyone, it's the final piece. This is a eulogy for the amazing friendship I was fortunate enough to share with a wonderful man for as long as I was able. People change. Circumstances change. I know now that if I'm not feeling valued, I can have the strength to let go, and the courage to forgive. Sure, I could stay angry forever at the mean things we said, or some of the events that occurred, but that just seems like a whole lot of effort for no reward whatsoever.

And so, my dear friends, I leave you with just a little more advice. If there is someone in your life whom you absolutely adore, you must must MUST communicate with them. It's all about communication, y'all. Most arguments can be boiled down to misunderstanding, and it's best to tackle those while they're still small. Don't let it snowball into something so painful. With open, honest, loving communication, there's hardly any challenge too tough to handle. Once you've done your part, it is up to them to do the same. If they don't, and you cut them off, at least you'll know you did what you could. Don't keep toxicity around, guys. Even if letting go hurts sometimes, you'll be better off for it in the end.

xoxo


Ps. I know what you're thinking. "But, Lea, you don't know MY friend. He's basically Prince Charming! That would never happen!" Well, ma'am, I have just two suggestions: One, read this again, but maybe a little slower. Two, smack yourself in the face real hard. Just kidding. Kind of. Definitely re-read, but please don't ever hurt yourself. Of course I hope your story doesn't end like mine, but an overwhelming majority of the time, these things do. Remember, if someone wants to be with you, they will put in the effort to do so. If they don't, just keep moving along, because you are undoubtedly fabulous.

xxooxxoo